Jim Souhan: "Sports Columnist", Lover of Similes

Last week, Jim Souhan, a "sports columnist" for the Mpls StarTribune, wrote a piece about Wild players gathering a week before training camp to workout and get in shape. For those of you who don't know about Jim Souhan, he's the "funny" columnist. I guess. The gist of the article is that Wild players are really dedicated and hard working or something. Apparently, Souhan was really impressed that they got together and skated a whole week before training camp started .

I don't want to sound like a dick, but aren't these guys professional athletes? Isn't it sorta their job to, you know, workout and get in shape during the offseason? And be prepared for the season and stuff? Also, hasn't the Wild been on summer break since roughly April 19 when they were thoroughly handled by the Mighty Ducks? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that like 4 1/2 months off? Oh wait, and what is the average NHL player salary these days? $1.5 million or more? Ooooh, that's a lot! But yeah, I'm really impressed those guys were knocking the rust off a week before training camp starts.

Maybe it was a slow news day or maybe Souhan just wanted to WOW readers with his witty similes. For example:

"The only season shorter than a Minnesota summer is the summer vacation of Minnesota's pro hockey players. The Wild begins formal training camp on Friday, but they've already sweated enough that the spartan locker room at Parade Ice Garden is starting to smell like an industrial-sized bag of Fritos."

I get naseauted reading that it's so awful. Also, a hockey locker room smells like Fritos. No, an industrial-sized bag of Fritos. What? Emm. What the fuck is he talking about? (Wait, how big is an "industrial-sized bag of Fritos"? Seriously, I can't even picture that.)

But here's the real gem. Souhan gets us rolling with this one, talking about Wes Walz and how he doesn't score a whole lot:

"He's an exceptional skater and fitness freak who has survived since his NHL debut in 1989 even though he scores about as often as a sports blogger."

OH! No you didn't, Souhan!! Another crazy simile!! Zing!!!

But seriously, are "sports bloggers" nerdy and lame? I guess I just don't understand the joke. "Sports bloggers" don't have sex? Really? (A better question, do "sports columnists" have sex? Tony Kornheiser?? Wow.) Is that the joke? I mean, I know blogs and websites and computers and general word processing are super hi-tech and everything, but what am I missing here?

More importantly, why a "sports" blogger? Why not a political blogger? Why not a sci-fi/fantasy blogger? What about some dude who has a Japanese animation fetish and writes a blog about it? Can't you argue that, as bloggers go, "sports bloggers" get the most ass? (By the way, I refuse to believe that you, Sid and Reusse are knocking them dead down at Dan Kelly's or wherever you guys go. I've seen some of those broads and...well, have fun with that.)

I guess what I'm saying is that the column you wrote is terrible. Fritos? Really??